I have been hurt this past week. I've been struggling with for five days now and I'm confused and I don't understand it. Well, that's not entirely true, I understand where it came from. We have been warned, many times by multiple sources that we are a target for Satan. And he's teeing off! I've realized my weak spots right now are my health, my children and family. Right after we left the MTW office, we were flying high! We had survived the week of interviews and presentations and were commissioned by our denomination's missions agency to go. Ten minutes later...WHAM!... WHAM, WHAM! Knocked back down. Not just one hit, but several over a few days. What's sad is when he uses our own against us, whether its our Christian brother or the people we trust most.
And what's worse, is my struggle to forgive. My nature is not quick to forgive. I like to be angry, and sad and hurt- I like to marinate in it for awhile until it becomes a part of me. When I forgive, I usually forget why I was mad in the first place, and why would I want that to happen? Then I remember, my God forbids me to be this way. I cannot change who hurt me or take it away. This is not the first time its happened and it most definitely won't be the last. How many times have I been the person that hurts those who love and trust me?
It been amazing how my countenance has changed, I am a bitter, defensive, wounded being. In one way, Satan won. But in other ways, he has made us more anxious and determined to get to England and away from those who repeatedly hurt and frustrate us! Sound harsh? Yes, but I can be truthful about my feelings, however silly they may be. (I'm kidding, I know England will not stop hurt and frustrations from coming our way, but its nice to have something to look forward to!) I am still praying for the strength and desire to forgive. He has softened my heart a little more today. I hate this about my sin nature- that I am so quick to pray for forgiveness and thank God for Jesus, but find it so hard to forgive those who do things to me. I'm so glad He is faithful to us and has promised to be with us-no matter what-and will see His work in me to completion!
I long for Heaven, where these kind of emotions and yucky issues will not exist!
Come quickly, Lord Jesus!
2 comments:
O gosh, I can so relate to this post. Ginger, I don't know what to tell you but that I love you! I loooove stewing in my anger, I love trying to reason it out to God why I DESERVE to be angry at whomever and whatever. This post has really made me feel accountable. Hope your heart is healing, my friend.
I love you, dearest. I'm sorry you're hurt and I wish I could make it go away. I'm loving you from far away.
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