When I Don't Believe

I feel afraid today. I've come to the conclusion that I'm afraid of life. I'm constantly afraid for my children, how this society will effect them, how I parent. I'm anxious about how my children will grow up, what will they think about Christianity? Are they seeing examples of authenic Christianity or legalism and rules? God is the perfect parent and He deals with me gently. Why do I want to lower the boom on others and not follow His gracious example?

I hate money, because when I don't have it I'm afraid I'll need it and when I do have it I'm afraid I'll mishandle it. I hate the thought of paying bills, saving for the future. Not because God hasn't given me what I need to do those things, but I the fear that one day I will lose them and have to look back and say "I should've done this" or "I should have enjoyed that more." I look to it to be my security, not a means to do ministry.

As I came upstairs to read and pray, to preach te gospel to myself again today, to remind myself of God's promises, I hear a John Piper sermon coming from Trace's office. ( I'll let you watch it because John Piper can always say things better than I can!) But not only do I not believe God will take care of me and my family, I also forget that He is going to give my children His Spirit. Just like I couldn't do it for myself, I can't do it for them. Just like I can't hold on to money and let it be my security. God is my security and He gives me money to use for ministry. Ouch. Oh, how my idols are so clearly seen...