Wanted: Good Friends

My heart is broken after talking to Cully this morning. He has a cold and stayed home from school, so I planned to cancel the Friday Night ladies thing at my house. When I told him, he looked so sad but said ok. I asked what was wrong and he said " I love Friday nights. Those women are like my friends, the only friends I have that come to my house. We play games and I love it!"

So, needless to say, I am not canceling! I just gave him a hug and held back tears because I want my children to have good friends here. I hate to see them lonely. They are so friendly and love to be around other people! Please pray with me that we will meet a family with children that can come over and play! We all need good friends.

Too Close For Comfort

What do you do when you are stressed or trying to get your mind off something? Well, I bake. Its not good for the waistline, but its what I do. In the last week, I have gone through a big bag of flour, sugar and a tub of margarine! This speaks volumes! Well, this is a coping mechanism that's not great. I should run straight to my Father when I hurt or worry.

Trace and I are reading the book A Place of Weakness by Michael Horton. This one part hit me and I was able to more clearly see how I was feeling. During struggles, some people feel God is far away. I've gotten to a place where God feels too close. I know in my head that God uses struggles to grow you, strengthen you, to see His love and grace because let's face it, we don't see God in prosperity. We like to think that we will praise Him when good things happen and we might say thanks, but then we are distracted by the object and forget God. We seek God when we are in trouble. But for me, with so much happening these few months, this last blow seemed too much to bare. God was too close and I had to face Him... and trust Him. But I was afraid of what was around the corner, as if all this was a precursor to something even worse. I was flinching. I didn't want to feel this way because its not what I believe, its not where I live, and it certainly isn't something I've felt before.

This is where the rubber meets the road. Do I believe what I say I believe? Is Jesus enough? If I trust Him with my eternity, I must trust Him now. If I can look a sister in the eye after her world has been shaken and, with complete confidence, tell her God loves her and He will take care of her-I must believe the same for myself.

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4

"Home"

I had a great thought when I was walking the other day: This place no longer feels foreign to me! When you're in a foreign place it feels, smells and sounds different. I knew everyday, all day long that I was in a foreign country until now, 5 months in, and I'm glad its starting to feel like "home". I type it "home" because I know its not, I still feel like an outsider and still not 100% sure what people are saying but I do feel more comfortable here. I have a routine and I recognize people in the village and say hello. Our house mostly has our smell.

These last five months have been the hardest of my life. I didn't think a life in missions would be paradise, but its getting a bit ridiculous! Every time I stand up, I just get knocked down, but I know Who's catching me. And He has a purpose for everything. That's what i've learned from support raising and my first few months on the field. Life is hard, it stinks actually. I am not really optimistic for the future, except I long for Heaven. That sounds a little harsh, so don't misunderstand me. I have joy in Christ and I have hope knowing this crazy, broken world isn't my home. And I want others here to experience Christ and ride this journey with us!

When I Don't Believe

I feel afraid today. I've come to the conclusion that I'm afraid of life. I'm constantly afraid for my children, how this society will effect them, how I parent. I'm anxious about how my children will grow up, what will they think about Christianity? Are they seeing examples of authenic Christianity or legalism and rules? God is the perfect parent and He deals with me gently. Why do I want to lower the boom on others and not follow His gracious example?

I hate money, because when I don't have it I'm afraid I'll need it and when I do have it I'm afraid I'll mishandle it. I hate the thought of paying bills, saving for the future. Not because God hasn't given me what I need to do those things, but I the fear that one day I will lose them and have to look back and say "I should've done this" or "I should have enjoyed that more." I look to it to be my security, not a means to do ministry.

As I came upstairs to read and pray, to preach te gospel to myself again today, to remind myself of God's promises, I hear a John Piper sermon coming from Trace's office. ( I'll let you watch it because John Piper can always say things better than I can!) But not only do I not believe God will take care of me and my family, I also forget that He is going to give my children His Spirit. Just like I couldn't do it for myself, I can't do it for them. Just like I can't hold on to money and let it be my security. God is my security and He gives me money to use for ministry. Ouch. Oh, how my idols are so clearly seen...